Sheri Fella: How to navigate exceptional times with your employees

Over decades of coaching and consulting work with hundreds of senior leaders, I have noticed a consistent difference-making behavior: leading through an “exception.” We all got to see that during COVID—not just in our workplaces but also in our whole-life places.

We witnessed teachers who increased learning pre- and post-COVID. We experienced leaders who stayed connected when our cubicles were within sight of theirs and when our only sight of them was on Zoom periodically. We relied on difference-making behavior in our health care providers when we felt compassion from nurses and doctors who listened to our concerns. During COVID, there was only exception to lead from.

COVID was a worldwide shared experience even though we all experienced it differently, depending on where we were in the world, what our connection was to others, what our work lives were like, etc.—so many variables. Those variables and those exceptional times are still happening constantly with each of us, just not at the same time.

Imagine each of us as icebergs. We are all just floating along melting some days, refreezing and getting stronger on other days, all the while bumping into one another. And as we do bump into one another, we cause some chipping and some natural rubs above the water’s surface and, more often, below it.

Below the waterline lies a whole life experience that we cannot see or even understand fully. The good news is that we don’t have to—we only have to be open to the fact that we might be missing a whole lot of one another’s stories. Imagine how that assumption might open up more curiosity and compassion.

When we as humans are in one of these “exceptional” places—like a trauma, a hard space with a loved one, a long-standing conflict with a boss—no one can fix that for us. What we need is support while we figure it out ourselves—a safe place to say, “Hey I am dealing with a lot right now,” and have that be heard and have it be enough.

Having to disclose what is happening and risk that being judged is often too much to ask of a human, especially if it is trauma-related or deeply painful in any way. So, what can you do as a leader? You can listen. You can express empathy and curiosity. You can choose to lead by exception and see that person as a human iceberg rather than judging the limited surface area you see.

I often start these exceptional conversations with a simple statement: “That feels like a really hard space you are in. I don’t even know what to say.” Followed by a question, “What might support for you look like right now?”

If they don’t know, I ask if we can circle up in the next day or so. If they want recommendations, I might get my human resources team engaged in a number of ways or I might offer what I know I can give at the time. I don’t assume I can support what they ask for, and I don’t make promises I cannot keep. I simply listen to understand and from there determine with my teammate what might work for them and for me.

Notice that I don’t ask, “What can I do for you?” That isn’t an awful question, but for me it has often unintentionally set an expectation that I will do whatever my teammate requests. That hasn’t always worked out well for me or the person I truly want to support. I trust they know what help they need and will express that, then I can choose what I can do or not do with their request. Remember, we can’t fix the situation—we can only offer support for them to resolve it themselves.

Exceptional times are hard to lead through. An employee handbook rarely covers life events like a trauma, or death, or any hard space from a human perspective. The PTO policy might be clear, but the human-care policy rarely is.

In my work, leaders often want to learn how to connect to the humanness in front of them, and that starts with connecting to the humanness in themselves. That frame is simple, but it takes courage to meet someone in that space, and courage can be as exceptional as the situations below the surface.•

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Fella is CEO and founder of Bloombase and hosts the “Threads Unseen” podcast.