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Donald Trump has not even taken office yet, and already he has started telling the best jokes because, really, the man cannot be serious.
In case you missed it, Trump is letting the world know that, as president, he wants the United States to take over control of the Panama Canal and to purchase Greenland. Also, Canada would make a great 51st state.
It doesn’t matter that Panama does not want to give up control of the canal and that Denmark does not want to sell its territory of Greenland, nor that the residents of Greenland and Canada have absolutely no interest in joining the United States. But if Trump can’t convince these countries to come under his wing, he is not ruling out economic sanctions or military force to help persuade them.
Trump made these statements on the same day he blamed Gov. Gavin Newsom for the California wildfires, I suppose because, well, Newsom is a Democrat, and everyone knows the Democrats control the Santa Ana winds—and windmills are driving the whales crazy.
If Trump wants to convince Greenland, Panama and Canada to join forces with us, why not have Puerto Rico, a U.S. territory, discuss the wonderful treatment it has received from Trump?
Oh, wait. I forgot about the paper towels incident when Trump visited Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria. All you have to do is type “Trump paper towels” into Google search. Bounty would love to have that many mentions on the internet. And then there was the Madison Square rally Trump held last year when Puerto Rico was described as a “floating island of garbage.” I guess the Puerto Rican approach won’t work.
One of the reasons Trump wants to take over Greenland is that China and Russia have ships floating around the Arctic Ocean, and he wants to keep track of them. In other words, Trump does not want China or Russia getting ahead of the United States when it comes to claiming the fuel-rich Arctic.
Trump bragged repeatedly throughout the campaign about his excellent relationship with Russia and his bromance with Russian President Vladimir Putin. During the campaign, Trump claimed that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine would have never occurred if he had been president. So why not call Putin and say, “Hey bro, you’re not helping things by stalking the Arctic. Let’s work this out.”? Either that bromance never existed or perhaps—gasp—Trump exaggerated his power over Putin.
At one point, Trump was great friends with China’s president, Xi Jinping, but that relationship went south when Trump started talking about imposing steep tariffs on China. Given this, I guess Trump can’t ask China to stand down like he did the Proud Boys on Jan. 6, 2020.
Oh, wait, my bad. Trump told the Proud Boys to “stand back and stand ready,” which is the opposite of what he wants China to do.
On my most recent trip to Costco, I bemoaned to the cashier that, as is my typical pattern, I spent a significant amount of money more than I intended. In all seriousness, the cashier looked me in the eye and said, “Keep buying food. We don’t know what is going to happen.”
It was one of the few times in my life that I did not know what to say. I just swallowed and said, “OK.” I am now thinking I should return to Costco and buy a few more bottles of wine and more praline pecans because we really do not know what is going to happen.•
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Celestino-Horseman is an Indianapolis attorney. Send comments to ibjedit@ibj.com.
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