SPORTS: Crazy-with-grief Colts fans, you’re now on the air

Welcome to WIBJ Radio. I’m Beebee, your host of “Sports Geeks.” Our first caller is Fred from Franklin. Fred?

Beebs, man, here’s how we handle those low-life, stomp-onour-hearts, marshmallow-soft Indianapolis Colts. We take their new stadium away. I mean, they are not worthy. So until they reach the Super Bowl, I say keep ’em in the Dome.

Fred, what do we do with that big hole?

Fill it in with water so the bean company can have beachfront property.

Let’s go to Line 2, Nick from the west side …

Fire Jim Irsay!

Nick, you can’t fire an owner …

Then I say we lay a little eminent domain on his butt and have the city own the team. The Colts are doomed, man. Irsay has the family curse passed down from his father for the midnight move from Baltimore. Them curses is hard to get rid of. Hell, I know. I’ve been married for 23 years. And just look how long it took for the Boston Red Sox to get out from under the Curse of the Bambino. The Cubs are still plagued by the curse of the Billy Goat. We want to go to the Super Bowl now, not in 80 years.

Thanks, Nick. Next up is Willie from Fishers.

Bill Polian has to go. He’s a grumpy old sourpuss who is getting what he deserves for being a grumpy old sourpuss.

Exceptional reasoning there, Willie. Joe, from downtown, you’re on WIBJ.

Hey, speaking of grumpy old sourpusses, that is exactly what we need in a head coach. I heard from my second cousin’s nephew who has a friend who used to wash Mike Ditka’s car in Chicago that he wants to get back into coaching and is interested in coming here. As a matter of fact, a source told me someone saw him yesterday meeting a local real estate agent at the airport.

Joe, the Colts have a coach, Tony Dungy …

Hey, Dungy may be a class act who is full of humility and character and compassion and perspective, but that stuff’s garbage. Like, you can’t win a postseason game with a coach who actually goes home at night to be with his family. We need a coach of the year, not a father of the year.

Pretty harsh, given everything that’s happened …

Sympathy is only for winners, man. So what we need is a yeller, a screamer, a clipboard-breaking, tantrum-throwing SOB who spits and cusses and doesn’t ever, EVER, invoke the name of Jesus Christ.

Uh, thanks Joe, and watch out for that lightning. Line 3, it’s Bobby from Plainfield.

C’mon, folks. It’s clear that Peyton Manning is the problem. It was a nice try, attempting to transform this college biggame loser into a pro big-game winner, but everybody knows a leopard don’t change his stripes. He’s just another John Elway.

Excuse me, Bobby, but Elway won two Super Bowls …

Yeah, but only after he had played 14 years and absolutely gagged in three other Super Bowls. I remember there was a Denver columnist who used to rip Elway all the time for not being able to win the big one and boy, was he right … at least until he was wrong.

Sound logic there …

And it’s pretty obvious Peyton’s a me-first mamma’s boy concerned only with his statistics. Sure, he got repeatedly sacked and hit and harassed, but I don’t know how that’s the offensive line’s fault. Say, ya think Ryan Leaf is still available? Be worth a try.

In a word, wow. Larry, from Lawrence, welcome to “Sports Geeks.”

It’s what we get for having a Canadian kicker. Ain’t nuthin’ good ever come out of Canada, starting with cold fronts.

Yes, that explains it. Ollie, on a car phone, you’re next …

Time to blow the Colts up and give ’em a top-to-bottom makeover. The TV stations and you radio idiots told us this was the year. Told us it was SuperSeason and Drive To Detroit. Now they’re saying wait ’til next year? Well, there is no freakin’next year, just like there was no this year. Forget 13 and 0 and 14 and 2, this season was a disaster and as meaningless as going 0-5 in the preseason. Forget the stinkin’ journey, because all that matters is the destination, and the chokin’ dog Colts drove this one right into the ditch.

You sound angry, Ollie …

Dang right I’m angry. Uh, could I say one more thing?

Go ahead …

I’d like to leave my phone number. If anyone’s getting rid of their season tickets, I’m looking for a couple of good ones.