Brad Rateike: Honest communication is a must in relationships

A week after graduation, the father of my friend and fraternity brother (who would later become the best man in my wedding) passed away suddenly. A few of us drove up from Franklin, where I was still living, to pay our respects and see if there was anything we could do for our friend.

He and I were not necessarily close at the time, but the gesture mattered. He later told me that for years he could remember the faces of every person at his father’s funeral, all of those who sent flowers and all the people who called. Tragedy had given him a period of clarity, if you will.

He requested that we take as many of the floral arrangements home as we could fit in our car, because they had no business in his bachelor pad that he shared with a few roommates. I took a very large arrangement and promptly took it over to my first girlfriend’s room when we got back to Franklin. This was pre-smartphones, so communication was minimal at times.

My collegiate-era dating life was fairly unremarkable. Those who have met me since then could have probably guessed that. Those who knew me then and are reading this now are still nodding their heads in agreement. However, bringing flowers, even repurposed, was still a nice thought, especially since we were asked to take them.

When I dropped the flowers off, she was at work, so I left them, expecting to return later and explain. When I stopped by later that evening, I found her and a few of her friends, a few cocktails deep, admiring the flowers.

Before I could say anything, her friends began applauding, “Nicely done, Brad!” “My boyfriend never got me flowers for our four-month anniversary!” And then I realized what I had done. I had forgotten that it was the four-month anniversary of our first date. You know why I had forgotten that? Because who keeps track of anniversaries by the month?

It was also at that moment that I realized I had not told my girlfriend that I was going to that funeral. I had left no note explaining the source of the flowers or the backstory. Flowers under false pretenses.

I quickly thought of misunderstandings that had gone the other way—where I had been deemed guilty until proven innocent. And that was how I justified saying nothing. I was not ruining this moment and going from Mr. Hero to Mr. Zero, especially since I did not have a backup four-month anniversary gift, as if that should be an actual “thing.”

We celebrated several more “month” anniversaries and then broke up. It happens. I hope it does not make me a bad person that I never spoke up. I would like to think it emphasizes the importance of communication in a relationship. Frequent, honest and clear, lest you be “misunderstood” or judged inaccurately.

My friend still gives me a hard time about that story but has also said his dad might have been proud. I was reminded of this a couple of weeks ago when I received word of the passing of Jerry Semler. I met him when I was a 19-year-old intern at then-American United Life but reconnected with him several years ago through one of his sons. He was a true Hoosier legend by all standards, with a great sense of humor. He might not have condoned my behavior, but I think he would have gotten a chuckle out of it.•

__________

Rateike is founder and owner of BAR Communications and served as director of cabinet communications for President Donald Trump. Send comments to ibjedit@ibj.com.

Click here for more Forefront columns.