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I was raised by parents who taught my siblings and me that you do the right thing because it’s the right thing, not because you’re seeking gratitude.
I have tried to live by that counsel over the past 43 years, but I am far from perfect. When I was in middle school, I did not always get to the door in time to open it for my mom. Nevertheless, there is not a door I try to open where I don’t hear the voice of Anita Rateike saying, “Please open the door for your mother.” Not unreasonable, but someone moved past it.
As far as gratitude is concerned, I think most of us are pretty good at saying “thank you” when the door is opened for us. I like that. However, there is one area where I see an extreme need for improvement: letting people merge in traffic.
If I let you merge into traffic, I expect a wave. It is not a lot to ask. In fact, I think it should be a minimal expectation. To quote Jerry Seinfeld, “We’re trying to have a civilization here!” Anything less than a wave shows me someone who is unwilling to participate in that civilization and prefers traveling down the path of chaos.
My wife is unbothered by this and actually makes fun of me for caring. Of course, she loves to zip through traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway in Chicago like it’s an Olympic sport, so how could she have time to wave (or in her case, be on the receiving end of another type of hand signal, which she also ignores)?
I understand that not everybody cares like I do, but in so many things in life, we do not want to be ignored. We want “good” to matter, and if you ignore good, you imply that the opposite is acceptable, which I do not appreciate.
Several years ago, I saw a clip of a speech given by former President Bill Clinton at Harvard University in 2007. As he concluded his remarks, Clinton spoke of the greeting used in sub-Saharan Africa among passersby. The phrase, translated into English, is, “I see you.”
Life can be about being seen: being seen as someone who’s getting the joke, being seen as someone who’s trying to make our everyday lives run just a little easier. It is about respect and, yes, it is about gratitude and the acknowledgment that we’re in this together, for better or for worse.
I think a lot about “I see you” in my daily life and wonder if I do a good job at that. Despite my intentions, I recognize that many people I encounter likely still feel unseen or unappreciated, a fact I lament.
“Society” matters. Thanks for playing, if you don’t understand. The world is easier to navigate when guided by the friendliness of others along the way. So, the next time someone lets you merge into a lane, just wave. Hopefully, the other person initiates or follows along, because your participation in even this most basic act of engagement does matter.
Remember, even the smallest gestures of acknowledgment can make a significant difference. Let’s strive to be part of running a civilized world where everyone feels seen and appreciated.
And if you see a black SUV with a Franklin College license plate, and you make the chaotic choice not to acknowledge basic traffic courtesy, please don’t forget that “we’re trying to have a civilization here!•
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Rateike is founder and owner of BAR Communications and served as director of cabinet communications for President Donald Trump. Send comments to ibjedit@ibj.com.
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