Brad Rateike: Want to be good at small talk? Find your icebreaker.

I have a hard time understanding people who do not entertain “small talk” (or pretend not to do so). It is probably because when I joined the workforce 22 years ago, I was not aware that avoiding “small talk” was a luxury we were allowed to experience. I was told that sometimes you swim through a warm spot in the pool and just accept that you are fortunate to be in the pool.

Many people do not “enjoy” small talk, because when it is bad, it can be the worst. A challenging part about small talk is that you cannot always see it coming at you. There are rarely physical signs to warn you off. You can be tall, less tall, thin, less thin, well dressed, poorly dressed, appropriately dressed—it does not matter. Yet, the inability to participate in “decent” small talk is all too common.

As a naïve young professional, and as someone who hates awkward silences (healthy fear), I developed a proactive approach to help “forge” the proverbial river and get on dry land. I asked people I would meet (more in social situations and less professional), “What is your favorite kind of cheese?” To this day, 20-plus years later, I do not know the genesis of it, but it was my small talk staple for nearly a decade.

Like most “husband” jokes in any marriage, the spouse is guaranteed to hate it after hearing it twice. My marriage is not unique. In my defense, I believe the logic in my “ice breaker” question was that most people have a favorite cheese. Those people have an immediate answer. As do I, and my wife.

A few respondents contemplate the answer for a minute, because they apparently have a few favorites, and/or respect either the institution of cheese or their own culinary credibility. An even smaller number—basically just my friend, Ann—have told me they do not like cheese. Admittedly, I was not prepared for that. But I played through and then stopped asking the question because I wondered if my question was nearing the politics/religion/Coldplay zone of topics you don’t breach.

Though I did not “focus group” this, my question for the past decade-plus has been, “Where did you attend high school?” A friend suggested I just ask, “Where are you from?” but I can’t ask that question because my wife will say, “Hopefully, a place where you don’t end sentences with a preposition.” Touche. I married a woman who has extreme pride in being Vincennes Lincoln High School Class of ’97, so she should get this.

Asking where someone went to high school in Indiana begins a path to finding common ground and hopefully building trust. It might be temporary trust, but that doesn’t mean it’s fake trust. I went to Franklin College, where nearly all my classmates attended high schools smaller than my alma mater, Center Grove (’98), so I received some initial shade from the guy who went to South Putnam.

Fast forward to 2024. If I ask you now the high school question and you say you went to Logansport (Cass County), Goshen (Elkhart), Milan (Ripley), I hope I know where it is, not necessarily to “show off” but to indicate that I have an appreciation for your heritage, and hopefully the conversation builds from there. Ice cracked, potentially.

During a holiday party season, I cannot prevent you from a dose of bad small talk, but I do suggest asking the perpetrator where he/she attended high school and see if it builds some trust and/or the credibility enabling you to excuse yourself for a refill. Happy Holidays!•

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Rateike is founder and owner of BAR Communications and served as director of cabinet communications for President Donald Trump. Send comments to ibjedit@ibj.com.

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