Michelle Gambs: Surviving parenting during a pandemic

Parenting coach MIchelle Gambs to be firm but kind as they raise their children. (Photo courtesy of Adobe Stock)

Babies are designed for us to completely fall in love with them. We do this for their first two years of life, then real parenting (in my opinion) kicks in once a child turns two or begins to talk. At that point, we have to raise our game because it’s a myth that love is enough.

My practice focuses on families with kids ages 2 through 12. Why? Because after that peers get promoted and we parents get demoted. Our greatest window to build the foundation is before the teen years hit.

I have taught a course on parenting over 60 times in the past 20 years and never have parents needed to rely upon their reserves like they do now during this pandemic.  This is hard. And we all need help getting through this challenging time.

Parenting was not natural for me. As a mom of two young adult children, it was the parenting course that I now instruct that totally changed my life.

Here are some parenting tips (reminders) to get through this challenging time:

Be firm and kind. Kids get two shots at a parent, and they don’t need you as a friend. Many parents are either firm or kind. You get to be kind when you are a grandparent. As a parent, you must be both for maximum effectiveness. Yep. Hard sometimes to find that middle space. It is not so natural for us. And, you can learn it.  We do better when we know better.

We (as parents) do what we do because we are out of ideas.  When we learn something else, we do it. I have come to accept that often what I provide to parents is hope. They often enter into sessions disparaged and discouraged and leave feeling hopeful and encouraged.

Quality over quantity. When it comes to time spent with our children, quality connections and quality time are important instead of focusing on quantity. Be present. It is far better than longer periods where we are not “there”. Kids know. We know. Attention equals love. That holds true whether you are age 2 or 92.

Children have five key needs.There are belonging, love, power, feeling special and experimentation/exploration. Children will get these needs met, either positively or negatively, appropriately or inappropriately, whatever we train them to do.

We do not need to be perfect. Give yourself some grace. That is why I wrote the book “Stay Away from Option D.” I emphasize staying within the space of A, B, and C, which are all fabulous and humane parenting zones.

A is the ideal option: textbook, kind and firm. It is the one most of us need to learn since we were not born knowing how to do this humbling job.

B is the “good enough” option (the 5/6 out of 10).

C is “do no harm” and walk away from frustrating situations with your child to offer space for you (and them) to cool off.

D is harm: yelling, spanking, or shaming a child. Simply by taking care of yourself, you are naturally a better parent.

And all you need to do is stay away from Option D.

Hang in there. You got this.

Gambs is a psychotherapist, parent coach and author of “Stay Away from Option D.”