Maggie Phelps: The pitfalls of being a people pleaser

Being a people pleaser has its advantages. For starters, people pleasers are great listeners, quick to lend an ear and hear other people’s stories. They’re great at keeping the peace in groups, balancing strong personalities and giving the benefit of the doubt. They’re adaptable, generally fun to be around, and they tend to go out of their way to establish strong relationships.

But, at what point does being a people pleaser have its disadvantages? At what point does being agreeable and well-liked hurt rather than benefit a relationship? At what point is listening without interrupting or nodding in agreement more of a disservice to a conversation than a help?

These are things I wonder, as a people pleaser myself. To what extent is my people pleasing getting in the way of my ability to be myself? Is it getting in the way of sharing my opinions, even if they are unpopular? In some cases, I have to say: It is.

I know I’m not alone. Ask yourself: Do I have a hard time saying no to people? Would I prefer to keep the peace among my friends, rather than discuss real issues? Are there times I bite my tongue when I have something important to say? Do I default to others to make decisions?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you might be a people pleaser, too. I don’t buy into the stereotype that people pleasers have an insatiable need to be liked and yearn for approval from everyone. I don’t think that is the norm. I believe most of us live somewhere in between the extremes.

We have an opportunity to explore alternatives—ways in which we can get past the desire to please others and do a better job of expressing our true selves.

The moment we forsake our own voice, opinion or sense of self to please someone else is the point when being a people pleaser turns from strength to pitfall. It’s the moment we trade in our authenticity for likability, our creativity for consensus, and our convictions for harmony.

We can recognize the symptoms by doing something we people pleasers do best: Consider carefully how we are showing up. Yet, instead of only focusing on how others perceive us, we need to turn the questions inward, to make sure we are true to our own perceptions and opinions.

I feel good about this interaction, but do I feel fake because I’m not sharing my true thoughts? We get along great, but do I feel like I need to wear a mask around her? Am I being completely honest with my friend or am I holding back because I don’t want him to feel bad? It’s hard to be honest with others when we aren’t honest with ourselves. It’s tough to be authentic when we default to others’ thoughts and opinions first.

And think of this in a work setting. You have a great employee who has forged strong relationships on the team. He’s always willing to take on new projects and help a colleague, and he is a master at balancing opinions.

In many ways, he is an ideal team member—unless he is holding back his innovative ideas in the interest of being liked and accepted. In turn, your team might be missing out on opportunities to challenge and innovate. Consensus and conformity can breed complacency. In not being honest and speaking his mind, your team member is stifling his creativity and the opportunity to push the boundaries.

The need for approval can be paralyzing. It’s often easier to go with the flow rather than challenge it. But we need to find ways to fight the urge to always put our opinions in the back seat. Accommodating others might feed our desire to be in demand, liked or in control. I urge my fellow “yes people” to try out some of these ideas:

◗ Forgo likability for the opportunity to be more authentic.

◗ Decide who is your priority and build your time intentionally around them.

◗ Surround yourself with others who respect you and give energy, rather than take it.

◗ Give yourself permission to relinquish responsibility for the feelings of other people.

◗ Offer yourself that same compassion that you give others.

◗ Decide for yourself: When is it OK with me not to be liked?

Try some of these things and maybe you will find you have more to say than you imagined. Maybe you will share the next big idea! Use your voice, even if it doesn’t please everyone.

What you share could be of great value to others. And even if it isn’t received well, your input might help shape the outcome. You don’t know the value your opinion might add until you voice it.•

__________

Phelps is leadership initiatives manager at United Way of Central Indiana.