Ventriloquism! Red Solo cup! Butt tape! A Miss America Pageant recap.

Yes, I watched the Miss America pageant last night. It's a family tradition and, as a Jersey boy, I can rationalize it in dozens of ways.

Here are just some of my thoughts tweeted during the broadcast.

Making a Honey Boo Boo reference should get you docked 10 points.

Note to future talent competitors: Don't try stand-up comedy. Just don't.

Where's the part where they get to dance around in abandoned Atlantic City casinos?

In this merger-happy world, can we look forward to the Scripps-Howard Miss America Pageant?

"Fashion forward" isn't something you are looking for at Miss America. Unless you are from Branson.

Seems mandatory that at least 10% of Miss America candidates to resemble the mean would-be stepmom in "The Parent Trap."

It's Atlantic City. Each candidate should be introduced by a toothless carny.

Not hearing a whole lot of "From the state with the largest Shakespeare festival…" or "from the state with more museums…"

"Will be eliminated" sounds very "Hunger Games."

If 10 universities offer scholarships to one person, does all of that money count as "scholarship money available?"

You can't have it both ways. Odd to acknowledging the butt tape and parade them in front of judges with the selfsame butt tape.

Re: Swimsuits: Why don't they just have a "sexy nurse" outfit competition?

It's the heels that make this totally absurd. If they were barefoot in swimsuits it would be, nah, would still be awkward.

Having strip club music blasting certainly doesn't help make the case for "fitness."

Now if they could remain graceful on the runway walking in flip-flops, that would be Atlantic City appropriate.

International Violin Competition is happening in Indy this week. Wonder how the swimsuit round will go over there.

A gown doesn't "make you look beautiful." It can accentuate your beauty, perhaps.

"Allow me to find my own sexiness" is a little better.

These women are obsessed with their gowns being appropriate for the "red carpet." How about something they could wear to a charity event?

Did anyone else not know that Harvard had a dental school?

Re: Dancing to praise song while random facts appear: "Loves giraffes" AND Jesus, apparently.

"Has 130 pairs of shoes"…as opposed to Jesus' one pair of sandals.

How about "Can make up choreography on the spot"?

Ventriloquism!

Subtle message to judges by singing love them from "The Godfather."

Red Solo Cup!

My favorite part of a ballet performance is always the audience screaming throughout.

"Should there be limits on the use of guns by children." Tough question.

And the winner is: Miss New York. Again.

Now that a new Miss America has been picked, can we put aside our differences and put the 'united' back in United States?